


What David Gaider Did NOT Have In Mind When Writing the Romances For Hordes of the Underdark

by MeeszyAlexy



Category: Neverwinter Nights
Genre: Crack Fic, Crack Pairing, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-21
Updated: 2012-07-21
Packaged: 2017-11-10 10:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/465024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeeszyAlexy/pseuds/MeeszyAlexy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an epic, tragic tale of how a planetar angel on his quest for his one true love, and how a dark heroine and her companions helped him on his journey. In this tale, you will learn that love conquers all and that no bad deed goes unrewarded.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude/Chapter 1

What David Gaider Did NOT Have In Mind When He Wrote The Romances for HOTU by Meeszy Alexy

(Rhaine Steel is my blackguard PC, and every other character is Bioware's.)

*

Rhaine Steel was pissed off.

And I mean seriously pissed off.

The Seer wants me to fight this gigantic beast?! She thought to herself, as she sneaked past Sodalis and went into Vix'thra's sanctum. She snorted. Why should I? I'm not getting paid... I should just sneak by him and get his treasure hoard.

And so the hero of Underentide ignored the captivating dracolich, stole his/her/its treasure, and sneaked out before he could sense that there was a presence in his/her/its cave.

*

One chapter of plot later, Rhaine was talking to the Knower of Names, after freeing her from her icy prison.

"Thank you, Nez'elben the Selfish, Scourge of Cania, and the agent of my freedom. Long have I-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, just gimme some true names, already!."

The Knower's sad look was replaced with a look of annoyance. Rhaine ignored the look, as well as her tiefling companion Valen's glare in her direction. Since their meeting, they never got along with each other, and it was a miracle that they still travelled together. Her other companion, Deekin Scalesinger, her "erstwhile kobold companion", did not really seem to be bothered about this, however, and was scribbling down notes of the conversation for his new book, "Hordes of the Underdark".

"Ah, True Names... Every name has its price and every price a name. The gods declare it so. Now whose True Name do you wish to know?" the Knower asked, straining to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

Rhaine paused for a moment, and then brought out 300,000 gold pieces for Deekin and Valen's true names. Deekin happily went along with it, but Valen knew no good would come out of it - especially as no good really came from Rhaine at all.

"Alright, so..." Rhaine pondered for a moment before saying, "Give me the name of the Sleeping Man's true love."

The Knower said, "The gods demand a sacrifice of 300,000 gold if you are to learn the True Name of the Sleeping Man's one true love... Are you willing to make that sacrifice?"

"Yes, here is the 300,000 gold the gods demand." Rhaine said with a smirk. She had it all planned out - she'd return to the temple, and then she'd order him to give her lots of gold in exchange for his true love's name...

"The Sleeping Man's one true love is... It is you, Hellwalker..."

Rhaine's jaw dropped. What?! Damn the gods... tormenting me like this!

After a few seconds, she finally replied, "T-that's horrible! This can't be happening to me!"

"Love is a hard, hard thing but I admit, this is not the reaction I had expected. The gods have seen fit to have an angel love you with all his heart. Why do you fight this?" the Knower asked curiously.

"He's a bloody angel, for crying out loud!" Rhaine yelled in annoyance.

"As I warned you, knowledge has its price. You have asked to see what the gods have written upon the stars and I have told you. Now you must live with the consequences... Is there more you wish to learn?"

Rhaine scowled, and paid for the true names of the Sleeping Man, the Knower, Mephistopheles, and finally, the Reaper's.

After retrieving the Reaper's true name, she said "I must return to the City of Lost Souls. Can you get me there?"

"I can... Nel'zeben the Selfish, you have found the name that you have sought. Go now to the City of Lost Souls that you might there pursue your destiny."

*

Rhaine arrived at the Temple of the Sleeping Man, thanks to the Knower's spell. Or not, as she put it. She didn't want to see him - especially if she told him that she was his one true love. He'd slobber all over her and follow her around like an idiot puppy. Rhaine couldn't stand that. Love was for the weak, in her opinion. The Sleeping Man came up to her, his cut from her blade healed and asked her, "Why have you come here? Have you found my one true love?"

"I have learned the name of your one true love." Rhaine said slowly.

"You have? Please, you must tell me everything! Start at the beginning. What is her name, that I might know her when she arrives?" He sounded so excited at this. Why? Love is boring - fighting is better! Rhaine thought.

Rhaine took a deep breath, and thought of the first thing in her head. "It is... Vic'torza the... Ivoryboned, known as... er, Vix'thra." Rhaine hoped her lie would convince him - though she had no idea why she thought of Vix'thra.

"Vic'torza." He turned the name upon his tongue. "Interesting... what is she like?"

"Um, I'm not sure if she's a she, actually... I think she's an it... but anyway, it's tall, white and handsome, and she's actually in the Underdark, in Drearing's Deep. The Knower of Places lied to you because she wanted you for herself..."

"What?! I must go there straightaway!" He prepared to fly.

"Wait!" Rhaine had a sudden idea. When the Sleeping Man ignored her, Rhaine said, "Celesfa'ar the Patient!"

The angel froze. "I do not like your tone of voice nor the ease with which it speaks my name." He said slowly. "What is it that you ask of me?"

Rhaine's pale face contorted into a twisted smile at the thought of Vix'thra eating the Sleeping Man. "Take us all with you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama ensues as the Sleeping Man finally reaches his destination! Rhaine and her companions follow in interest, wondering whether he will truly win Vix'thra's heart!

The Sleeping Man could barely contain his excitement. He wondered what Vic'torza the Ivoryboned - Vix'thra - was like. Much to his chagrin, he had no idea, and so contented himself with the fact that he was finally meeting his true love at last - at long last!

He finally arrived at Drearing's Deep, confused by the lack of life in the village of the Almost Free. He didn't know that Vix'thra had been enraged by the slaughter of its priesthood by Rhaine, Valen and Deekin - though Sodalis remained - and had taken out his anger on the villagers. Everything was now rubble - save for the Temple of the Cult, which still stood - though the guard's bodies that Rhaine had taken care of earlier still lay there at the door.

The Sleeping Man flew down to the ground, in front of the door, and knocked on the door gently. Nothing happened. He kept knocking on the door, confused. Rhaine, Deekin and Valen stood back, and Deekin continued to write his notes while Valen turned to Rhaine.

"Rhaine, why did you tell him that Vix'thra, of all beings, was his one true love?" Valen whispered.

"Hmph, I don't see why I should've told him it was me. Love is for fools and weaklings." the blackguard whispered back, annoyed. "It's not like Vix'thra's ugly."

Valen was silent for a few moments before saying, "You know, I'm glad you didn't tell the truth this time. No angel could stand your heartlessness, human."

"Exactly." She turned to the Sleeping Man, who was still knocking on the door. "I just remembered... you'll need to ring the gong." She pointed to the gong behind her.

The Sleeping Man ran down to the gong and rang it. The gong was rather loud, and echoed all throughout the place. Rhaine grabbed Valen and Deekin and hid behind a rock instinctively.

The doors opened, and an unnaturally pale slim, dark-haired man dressed in wizard's robes walked out of the temple and down to the gong, where the Sleeping Man, in his pale green glory, was waiting there.

Sodalis started at the Sleeping Man, confused. "What is this? Why are you here?"

"Do you know Vix'thra?" the Sleeping Man asked. "My one true love? Where is she- it?"

Sodalis stared at the Sleeping Man as if he was mad. "What? The Great Vix'thra is not your true love!"

"What?! Why not?!" the Sleeping Man raged.

"Because I am!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sodalis and The Sleeping Man fight for their love while the heroine and her companions watch!

The Sleeping Man was furious at this... disgusting, icky vampire. Why would somebody so amazing, like his One True Love, Vix'thra, want this pallid undead guy? And how dare he even imply that Vix'thra was the vampire's One True Love, and not his? How dare he even live? Vampires aren't even supposed to! The Sleeping Man yelled in his mind. The undead had always disgusted the Sleeping Man.

"Don't spout such lies, vampire! The Knower of Names herself spoke Vix'thra's true name, and named her... it as my One True Love!" the Sleeping Man yelled. "I shall kill you for your disgusting lies!" And so the Sleeping Man got ready to fight.

Sodalis didn't seem remotely intimidated - much to the Sleeping Man's fury - and began casting buffing spells.

"As you wish, angel." He replied, his voice calm yet intimidating.

The Sleeping Man took out his greatsword, and tried to strike the vampire down - to disrupt his spell - but he suddenly felt as if Sodalis had spat acid at him as he struck his arm. He winced at the pain, and stood back, trying to figure out how it happened.

He overheard Raine whisper from behind him, "Looks like Sodalis has already cast that Acid Shield Spell then... what's it called again?" She got no answer from her companions.

Acid Shield? ... Mestil's Acid Shield! Oh! I can dispel it! The Sleeping Man realised as Sodalis finished casting his buffing spells. The Sleeping Man quickly cast Dispel Magic, and the Shield was down - as well as a few others, the Sleeping Man realised. The Sleeping Man inwardly cheered, as he cast Hammer of the Gods on Sodalis.

Unlucky for him, it didn't do any damage - despite being a divine spell - because Sodalis had cast Spell Mantle, and that had not been dispelled.

The Sleeping Man cursed and yelped in pain as numerous magical missiles were thrown at him. He quickly cast Greater Restoration on himself before charging towards Sodalis, and cutting him deep - but no blood was spilt, as Sodalis has none.

"Um... boss?" Deekin had looked up from his notes and faced Rhaine, confused.

"Yes, Deekin, what is it?" Rhaine said, not taking her eyes off of the fight, a small smirk on her face.

"Why we bes not helping green man?"

Rhaine opened her mouth to speak, but Valen beat her to it. "Because, kobold, Rhaine is too cold and selfish to love anyone, and this is very convenient for her - she kills two birds with one stone." He replied coldly, his blue eyes directly glaring into Rhaine's, as opposed to Deekin's.

Rhaine knew that he wanted her to stop the fight, tell the truth, and fight Sodalis and Vix'thra, like they were meant to when they first came here - though it was pointless now, seeing as the Seer was no longer under the threat of Vix'thra's undead army. But why should she even bother? "Hmph, I don't see the problem here, tiefling - I think the Sleeping Man and Vix'thra will make a lovely couple, as will Sodalis and Vix'thra. Either way for Vix'thra, it's a win-win situation."

Valen looked at her incredulously. "A lovely couple? You must be insane! Why did we have to come here, anyway?"

"Because I knew this would happen and I want to see the outcome of this fight. Isn't that obvious?"

"You didn't have to drag the kobold and I into this, you know."

"Yes I did. It's necessary for Deekin to chronicle this into his book. And you're here because you'd have nothing better to do in Cania, because you don't know the Reaper's True Name, and I do."

"But how are we going to get back and fight Mepistopheles?"

Rhaine had no answer for that. She couldn't go back to Cania now and make Mephistopheles her chambermaid in her dream inn. What was she going to do?

*

The Sleeping Man's attacks were getting better and better - he timed his sword's slashes to disrupt the spell cast, and this strategy was working. Sodalis no longer had that eerie calm, and instead had flames of fury in his eyes. Both of them were fighting for their love, both of them were badly injured, and both of them knew that one of them would die from this. Sodalis' spell mantle had finally worn off, so the Sleeping Man stood back and cast Blade Barrier on the vampire, since Sodalis had decided to use Mestil's Acid Shield again. One of the blades pierced through Sodalis' left arm, but this didn't effect Sodalis much as apparently everybody is right-handed, and left-handed people are just mythical beings.

Sodalis cast Ice Storm in retaliation, and the shards of ice pierced through the Sleeping Man's skin, stabbing him all the way through. The Sleeping Man fell to his knees.

Sodalis smirked at the angel, and stepped towards him to mock him for losing and to deliver the final blow, when a melodious roar made him freeze.

The Sleeping Man smiled, knowing who it was. Rhaine, Valen and Deekin hid behind a rock, also knowing who it was. Sodalis looked - at first - satisfied, as he knew who it was too, but on seeing the Sleeping Man's face, he was now confused.

"Why are you smiling, angel? I have defeated you, and Vix'thra is here to finish you off!"

"No." The Sleeping Man replied. "Vix'thra is here, and she... it will see the truth behind this madness. It is here to save me."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vix'thra appears on the scene, and now has to choose their true love... (Dramatic music).

The magnificent dracolich, Vix'thra, roared gloriously.

The Sleeping Man gaped at Vix'thra for a few moments, amazed at the dracolich's natural beauty. Its' glittering red eyes, like cut and polished rubies, stared back. It's bones were a dazzling, pure white, like snow, but shone like crystal. Everything about Vix'thra was well-crafted, every bone of its body perfection, even its teeth. The Sleeping Man could do nothing but stare at its' beauty.

"What's going on here, Sodalis?" Vix'thra asked. (Speaking in Common was just one of Vix'thra's many talents, though his accent was rather strong.)

"I was destroying this fool that has the idiotic idea that you are his One True Love!" Sodalis yelled, still furious from the fight.

"Is that so? Then why not use your Finger of Death spell on yourself, Sodalis, instead of striking down the planetar?"

If Sodalis had any blood to blush with, he would've done so there and then. "E-excuse me?" He stuttered.

"You heard me. I know what you think of me, High Priest. I see the desire reflected in your eyes, I hear your desire in your voice. You claim to work for me only due to the pact between your fellow vampires and I, but I know when you're lying."

"But...I-" Sodalis seemed lost for words.

"I know you think that I am your One True Love. But you are wrong. I already know who my One True Love is, and he's right here. My apologies, my High Priest, but you must focus only on your duties, such as finding new monks, priests and slaves for our religion, rather than your foolish emotions. Emotions for my High Priest are useless, unnecessary and distracting. So unless you can rid yourself of these, I will have to kill you."

Sodalis now looked utterly heartbroken. "My... I..."

And right there, Vix'thra saw that Sodalis could not manage this. "Very well. It is a shame to lose you, Sodalis, but..."

And then suddenly, without warning, Vix'thra ripped the vampire apart with his claws. "...We all need to make sacrifices."

"And now... the Planetar." Vix'thra said smoothly, pushing the remains away neatly with his claw, right next to the rock where Rhaine, Valen and Deekin were hiding (though Vix'thra didn't know of their presence). "Was Sodalis telling the truth? Are you here because you believe that I am your One True Love?"

The Sleeping Man had finally found his "Believe, my love? It's true! I have heard, from the Knower of Names, that you are my One True Love, is you!"

"Is that so?" If Vix'thra was a humanoid, it would've raised an eyebrow. "Then you have been fooled, Planetar. I know who my One True Love is. His name is Squorg, and he is the Gelatinous Cube that you see over there in the corner." It signaled to a Large Gelatinous Cube sitting on a deckchair in a dark corner. The Gelationous Cube, from what the Sleeping Man could see, was watching this scene, though because it was faceless, it could not see how it felt - if it actually felt at all.

He turned to Vix'thra again, confused. "But... if you are not my One True Love... then...who..."

"Planetar, why are you so keen to find your One True Love anyway? What's wrong with a few minor relationships? Or a few serious ones? Life would be easier if we all knew who, where and when we would find our One True Loves, but it is not them that we learn life and love's lessons from. It is our failings, not our successes, that teach us."

The Sleeping Man merely stared at Vix'thra, as he couldn't think of an answer to his question.

"No answer, Planetar? Very well... do you know about my need for bones?"

"No..." The Sleeping Man said warily, uncertain of what would happen next.

"Well, more specifically, I need your bones. Right now. So... farewell."

And the last thing that The Sleeping Man saw was darkness.

*

Rhaine's face was contorted into her vicious, predatory grin. "Excellent! Thank you, Vix'thra! You truly are amazing!" She cackled as she watched the Sleeping Man explode.

Valen looked extremely disgusted. "You..."

"Oh Valen, I'd love to chat with you about how much you wish that I was an idiot that would end up with that boring Sleeping Man, but I honestly can't be bothered."

For a moment - just one moment - Rhaine wondered whether she had gone too far. Valen looked like he was about to snap there and then, and hit her in the face repeatedly with his precious Devil's Bane.

But then Rhaine thought, No, I haven't gone too far. I don't see why I should end up with some bald green angel, just because the gods have said so. Didn't Valen himself once say that he didn't really trust the gods because they're not infallible? Then why should he believe in all that One True Love nonsense?

And that moment of doubt had gone within a millisecond.

"Fine then, Rhaine, then tell me exactly how we are going back to Waterdeep to take care of Mephistopheles?"

Rhaine's grin faltered, and her face and mind went blank. Valen groaned in annoyance.

"Well done. Your intelligence astounds me, Rhaine."

Valen's sarcasm did not go unoticed, and Rhaine looked like she was about to punch him for daring to insult her in such a way, when an idea suddenly popped into her mind. She got up and walked towards Vix'thra, who was with its precious Squorg.

"Hey! Vix'thra! Vix'thraaaaa!" But Vix'thra did not notice the human, as it was too fascinated with it's One True Love.

"Vixer! Vixy! Vicky! Listen to me, dammit!" Rhaine yelled desperately. "Vic'torza the Ivoryboned!"

Vix'thra's eyes widened with that familiar look of somebody being commanded by their True Name. "My... True Name?" He looked down, and spotted Rhaine. "How?"

Rhaine looked rather shocked herself. "...Lucky guess?"

Vix'thra sighed. "How may I serve you?"

Rhaine's shocked look wore off, and was replaced with the vicious grin from before. "Teleport my party and I back to Waterdeep. We have an Archdevil to take care of."

*

And so, Rhaine Steel and her faithful kobold companion, Deekin Scalesinger defeated Mephistopheles, by use of his True Name, and had made him into a chambermaid at Rhaine's new inn. Being the overlord of Toril and ruler of the Nine Hells would be a pretty tempting offer to Rhaine, but that was not what Rhaine really desired. She preferred striking her opponents from the shadows, and she would rather humiliate those that she wanted vengence upon, if death was not a punishment in itself.

As for Valen, he had refused to return with them out of disgust, and instead remained in the Underdark to find the Seer and protect her again. He would have to, after all, when people like Rhaine are out there, the Seer must be protected from such evil and corruption, and always remain pure.

Vix'thra and Squorg decided to move away from the ruins of Drearing's Deep, and from the gloom of the Underdark altogether, and became an infamous duo of planewalkers together. Eventually, they reached Elysium, and despite the angel's protests, they acquired a home there, and lived together for eternity. Coincedentally, the home had once been the Sleeping Man's, but neither Vix'thra or Squorg knew of this.

As for Sodalis... well, he had just fully regenerated himself in his coffin, when the coffin lid was suddenly opened by a woman. Confused, he asked, "Why are you here?"

And that was about the last thing that he had said, as the woman was Ailith Shainir, and she liked the look of Sodalis. She liked it a lot. In fact, she liked it so much, that he became her mind-controlled sex slave.

Deekin later wrote:  
"Big dragon staReds at two mens. There was big BOOMS, like in Undrentide. But no medusas. DRAgon and GREEN Person and mans with fangs. And Goat-man nots bes Fighting but he Bes not amuSEd".

And they all lived happily ever after.

...Well, everyone except Sodalis.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is finally done, after a period of procrastination.
> 
> Oh Vix'thra, you are so hawt. 
> 
> (Note: Deekin wrote like that because he typed it up on a computer... and Caps Lock confuses him.)
> 
> Ailith Shainir, the Dark Summoner (Pale Master) belongs to Maralae of DeviantArt.
> 
> Rhaine Steel the blackguard is mine, all other characters belong to Bioware... lucky them. Who wouldn't want to own Vix'thra?
> 
> (Edit 26/05/16) To this day, I still get random views/kudos/etc on this. I wish I knew why this has so many views but whatever ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
